I wish writing would calm me

I keep thinking that writing would relieve all my pain, anxieties and stress. It does momentarily do that, but a few hours later I’m back in that state, desperately trying to both deny and avoid it. Why does it hurt so much sometimes? I grieve for something which I never possessed. Life is way too uncertain right now with so many possible changes, so many important dates to remember, deadlines to meet and places to go. I thought I was good at dealing with uncertainty – it used to excite me. But now it makes me anxious. I want to return to the way I used to perceive it – I want to be hopeful and eager again for new things, places and experiences. Why do I feel so stressed?

There are innumerable thoughts in my mind, I did not use to be this frazzled all the time. Overwhelming emotions always led me to write. Writing has been invariably cathartic for me – the heaviness becomes lighter and it gives me a sense of direction. I feel in control of my emotions and thoughts when I write, it gives me temporary peace. It helps me identify issues and gives me the motivation to mitigate them. But I feel more tired this time, tired enough to live in denial and not take action. I hate it – hate how I’ve lost the one thing I was really proud of – my motivation. I want to take charge again and confront my grief. I wish writing would calm me, not just momentarily. I guess I’ll just have to stop avoiding and start living on my terms again.

*Photo by Sam Albury on Unsplash